I woke up today, mentally drained and exhausted. What a way to start the New Year, right? I didn’t manage to roll out of bed till around 1:30-2pm today. I attempted to start my day earlier but that didn’t work out as you see. I was sad, no one to spend the day with and no one to just say “hey, another month, or another year in the books with you”. It kind of hit me though, like a hard bag of rocks that I blame everyone else for why I’m still single. I sure as hell did not want to bring the new year in self loathing and full of misery. HELLO OASCHA! YOU MADE IT ANOTHER YEAR WITH YOURSELF! Sheesh! So today i decided I am going to date myself for the next 365 days and build a love so strong and unconditional within myself that I lose these feelings of worthlessness and feeling unlovable.
Today, since I live in South Florida I decided to go roller blading on Dania Beach! Dania Beach is so full of life and people and the having the ocean side close by as you roll up and down the boardwalk is always a great to relax and unwind especially on a Sunday! 3 miles up and 3 miles down, put my headsets on and just cleared my mind of any negative thoughts and took in everything. I will admit it was saddening to see the couples or the families strolling around, but it was that quick reminder to myself of why I was there and one quick look at the ocean always made things better.
When I finished up one of the 3 mile sets, I sat down for a minute and meditated. Made sure my phone was off, and just sat with myself. I cried a little, it stung to sit there with myself, phone off and no music playing. I was stuck in my thoughts, I wanted to tell someone how pretty the water looked today, how the waves were coming in high and how cute all the little kids in their baby skates looked. It took me 15 minutes and a few rounds of tears to muster the strength to get someone to take a picture of me sitting there. This sweet old lady, telling me how pretty I was and made sure she got the palm trees in my picture. I was grateful for her in that moment. Today at the beach was a perfect way to reset from the weekend and bring in the New Year.
-I am not looking to escape my darkness, I am learning to love myself there- Rune Lazuli