January 2, 2017

Who knew making a blog could be so exciting! Or maybe, I am still caught in the hype of having someone to talk to! Not quite sure yet, but as the adventure continues I am so excited to see what is to come! The feedback that I got from everyone on my first post was amazing, inspirational and everything I needed all in one. So, thank you!

One conversation that stuck out the most to me was a conversation with my sister. She asked me, “how are you going to find 365 things to do”, I hadn’t really thought about that. So I took time today to really think about what I wanted to get from this experience and this adventure. I looked back on failed relationships and even the successful parts of them. One thing I found myself doing was blaming myself for every failure. For every thing that happened, I had a reason why I made the situation worse, or what I did wrong. In every situation, I made myself the bad person. From that conversation I had with my sister I made myself miserable for a better half of the day. I focused on how the men I had in my life made me happy, and what I did wrong to make things go sour, and the self blame and unfortunately so, my own personal pity party started up.

I like to say the brain is only as strong as we make it, and I believe in challenging myself for the better and making things happen towards a positive light. That was hard to do seeing as I always blame myself for everything. I came to the conclusion, dating myself and finding a love within myself that is strong and unbreakable is not about 365 things I can do, but its about 365 opportunities to love myself. Within the 365 opportunities I have there will be other opportunities to make each one as beautiful as possible.

Today, I took this opportunity to turn my day around through positive compliments towards myself. If anyone knows me, they know because of my constant mood swings I can be either extremely hot or extremely cold. So with that being said today was rough. My mind moves a million miles a minute and somehow its always about things of my past, and I start to criticize myself. For every 1 negative thought today, I filled myself up with 2 positive things. I try so hard to be a positive light for everyone else and I spread love and good cheer to everyone, and sometimes I don’t even realize how negative I am towards myself. I had to ask myself,WHY! I am only opening a gateway to allow other people to see my negatives and allow me to believe thats why I ruined something, or something didn’t work out because of this flaw.

One of the hardest things I had to tell myself today was– it was not my fault. In any situation there are two people that make something happen. Now in some circumstances, I will take the blame and own up to my faults. But the thing I find I blame myself for a lot is my assault. When I think about that, it manifest into why every relationship I have attempted after that hasn’t worked out. I blame myself for being where I was, I blame myself for not making better choices, I even told myself it was karma for choices I made before it happened. Even when I feel I should know these aren’t truths, they consume me and make loving myself very difficult. So today, I took that extra time to be mindful of where my brain wandered to and when it went off track and attempted to find negatives, I redirected with positives. That was a small battle within itself. Its almost like two small forces pulling at each other in your brain, its mentally exhausting. So, when people ask me why I’m tired, welp I’m at war with myself inside of my head. In my field of behavior we call those private events radical behaviorism, behaviors that are real but cannot be measured or seen with the human eye.

Being in a relationship with anyone requires love and effort, being in a  relationship with yourself everyday is hard work. You have to learn to love yourself unconditionally and without judgement. Somedays I excel at this and others I am still a work in progress. In the end, I would like to think this is a concept that cannot be mastered because as we grow and make choices everyday we have to learn to live and deal with them. This idea of self love is forever a work in progress, but the fundamentals is learning how you want to be loved through yourself, for yourself and by yourself.

Perhaps, we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done. –Rudy Francisco

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