January 3, 2017

Its the 3rd day, and I sit here with so much to say, but yet I’m afraid to say any of it. Its almost like a writers block, but more fear based. Someone asked me to write about my plans for dating myself in more depth, said they wanted to know if I was exclusive to myself or if I was willing to let someone in at some point. That was a hard question for me. Although, I love that people are reading my blog and responding to it. Some of the questions I have gotten have been scary.

I am on this journey to love myself more, and create a strong base. I am still healing from a recent experience that I had in the dating game. I find myself going back to the same things, even though I know I deserve better. I keep allowing the same behaviors from the same people, over and over again and then I question myself. I yell at myself in the car, and I get angry and I cry and it turns into, what could I have done better OR what did I do wrong? And then, I have to tell myself to stop being so hard on myself. Stop calling out the flaws and pull out the great and invest the energy you put into another person into yourself. I told everyone I would be real, so thats what I am going to do even if it hurts.

I don’t think I have ever told anyone how much I struggle with the want to predict my future, I believe that if I invest in someone that they will invest the same in return. I plan a whole idea of how I wish something to be.  I believe that if I give 100% of myself; to my plan, that even if this person can’t give me what I give now, in the future they will give me what they have, which I hope will be 100%. I have been burnt many times in my past because of this. I have given people so much of myself that I have forgotten what I need and to take care of myself. Im that girl that will travel a thousand miles to see the person I care about for 5 minutes and expect nothing in return.  I don’t need kuddos for being a person that cares deeply, and will fight and work hard for the things that I want and the people I care about. But its exhausting, to fight and work and invest when the return is nothing. Eventually, your behavior is poorly reinforced and the laws of behavior say we will give up. I hate to give up, especially when I planned it out in my head. Silly me, I should know better than that at this stage in my life.

So to answer that question. I don’t know, starting today I am practicing the art of relinquishing control of my future on the things I cannot control. If the time comes, great and someone comes into my life and shows me the love I deserve then beautiful. I have to begin practicing this idea of  not setting expectations of myself, or of another. I know, in my head that if I start planning how I want to date outside of myself, or a timeline of when I want to meet someone, I will drive myself crazy. I already have a million questions I wish I could have answered, but had to remember these questions are based off of what I had planned in my head. When these questions came up, I stopped myself from asking them. I stopped myself from this desire to want to know. It was hard, how do you distract yourself from wanting to know things you feel you deserve to know?

I took care of myself today through yoga and meditation. I focused on the things I could control my breath and  movement of the body, and took action on aspects of my life that I know I have the power to control. I’m mentally exhausted but at the same time I am starting to feel more at peace with the idea of relinquishing the things I want to control to the universe and focusing on the things I can control. I am more than thankful for having such a powerful outlet and the knowledge to gain such a deep inner body experience. I still have these questions, I’m not cured of craving this desire, it’s going to take time and effort but today yoga and meditation helped. Loving yourself means pushing aside your negative thoughts and focusing on just yourself. Take a deep breath, and tell those thoughts its not your turn, put them in a box in your mind and come back to yourself.

When I started this blog, I pictured myself going out for wine every night and cooking big dinners and watching a lot of movies. I’ll get to those things, but for now I am creating a strong base. Whats a house without a floor, right?

You can’t control everything. Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and just let life happen. — Kody Keplinger

 

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