January 9, 2017

Mondays, I wish sometimes I could skip right over them and get straight to Tuesday. I am hit or miss on a Monday, either life is peachy and golden and I’m ready to take on a new week, or I go into the week mentally and physically exhausted. By the tone of my writing, can you tell where I am at already? It was just one of those days where I am unsure where my emotions are, my head is spinning in a million pieces and I am spent.

I promised myself that I would be honest on here, and so I am. I am far from perfect and I too make mistakes just as others in this world. We are all kind of just out here trying to life the best way we know how. Sometimes, I have to remind myself to be kind to myself. Today, that seemed easier than it has been in the past.

I woke up, and for some reason decided to get onto my snapchat. I don’t usually check snapchat stories but I did today. To my surprise, I saw a human I haven’t seen in awhile. The gust of emotions that I had was something else for me. I bet you’re asking yourself, who is this human she’s referring to. Before I go into that, I want to tell a little about myself so you know where I am coming from.

I believe that every person we meet in our lives comes and goes for reasons. It is up to us to pull and take away what we think was meant for us if these people leave. I also believe that once you love someone or fell in love with someone or even cared for another human being deeply that, that love or care doesn’t just disappear, there will always be a level of care for them and their well being. There is a difference between saying I’m still in love with you, and I still have love for you. Which is why I have always disliked when men or women try to tell me they wish bad upon their exes with a serious face. There are circumstances in which I understand this to be a case, but if you had a decent relationship with someone and it didn’t work out there is no reason to wish death and bad upon their lives. At some point we grow up, move on and start to hope for the best for people, even the shitty ones.

Anyways, back to this human. The human I saw on this snap chat was an ex from almost 3 years ago. The last serious relationship I was in as an adult. Why so many emotions, Oascha? In a short story, I blamed myself for this person and how our relationship ended. I ended things after I felt like I wasn’t getting enough from the relationship, I felt stagnant and like I needed more. Rightfully so, I did what was best for me.

From this breakup, he and I became a toxic mix. He held onto me for whatever reason, and I held onto him because every guy I tried to date, or find love in didn’t cut the cake, so he became my crutch. I went through a series of roommates, fake friends, true friendships and jobs and he was there through all of it. He loved me unconditional to all of my flaws and I knew this and I took advantage of this. I fell out love, but still managed to keep him around. I was a person, that I can never forgive myself for being.

He eventually became homeless, started using hard drugs again and when he needed help I left him high and dry. I didn’t want to take on that burden. There were things involved that I was not capable of handling in my life. I didn’t want to be with him, I only wanted him around because he loved me in a way that I knew no one else would. I hung on because I wanted to be loved like he loved me. As contradicting as it sounds, I wanted the best for him and any girl he told me of just wasn’t good enough. I still don’t know if its because I did not want to lose my emotional crutch or if they really weren’t good enough.

He stayed with me for that long because, he lived for me. Our 5 year relationship, I was his motivator, his pusher, his best friend, his partner in crime. He stayed because he was fighting for what we had. But I did not want the same thing.

He and I both had our issues, and we knew we were both toxic for each other. We couldn’t let go. I made the decision to move to Florida, and some months after moving here, I had to let him go. I got a phone call saying he was beaten, left for dead and strung out. I cried harder that night than I had in awhile. I received phone call after phone call begging me to send money, to help him get clean. But deep inside I knew me helping him would not make him better. He had to do this on his own. He had to fight by himself and with the support he had. I couldn’t be his cheerleader anymore.

I have struggled these past few months with knowing if he is alive, and if he’s doing well. I blamed myself for hurting him and stringing him along. I remember writing in my journal, that if he died it was my fault. What a burden to carry.

Today, I saw that snap chat of him. Smiling, healthy, goofy and being the guy I knew when I met him. Then it hit me, I cried. Not because I miss him, or because I fell in love all over again. The story doesn’t end as a romantic fairytale, gotcha! But really, I cried because a weight came off my shoulder today.

I learned something new about being kind to myself. I made a decision not because I was selfish, but it was selfless. It is not okay to put the life of someone else so heavily on your own shoulders  that you make yourself believe that if a terrible thing happens to them its your fault. Today, I really took time to practice this extra kindness. My best friend had to help me just a little, but I managed to squeeze in a nap, hit the gym, meditate, stretch and I even won concert tickets from the radio.

Today, I truly believe this is a pivotal point in my journey.

and I said to my body,  my mind and my soul softly, “I want to be your friend”, it took a long deep breath and replied, “i have been waiting for this my whole life”– Author Unknown.

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