January 11,2017

Do you in your heart want to find someone?

Someone asked me this tonight. They said they asked because it was apparent I was in tune with my energies and I am aware of how thoughts manifest. What a question to ask me. Of course, there is no short answer and there is no easy answer. There never will be for a girl like me. So naturally, I told them to check my blog.

There is no easy answer to that question, all thought most people would say, Yeah or No. Is it really that easy? Quite possibly so, but for me it just isn’t. I have had very few  long term relationships in my life, well like 3 to be exact. Once in high school, once during under grad and one very very brief one before I moved to Florida.

My perception of men is jaded. I have witnessed men blow up my IG, Facebook and my cell phone telling me things they think I want to hear, and to turn around and go home to their SO. A man can tell me all day how much we are worth as women and what we deserve but if their actions don’t match their words, then I have automatically lost all trust in anything you have to say.

I have been in relationships where I was made someones top priority and in return lost a sense of freedom. I have been in a relationship where I was emotionally abused for the duration of the relationship and came out more damaged then what I went in. How is that for a love life? I make it all sound so daunting, but when I think of relationships it scares me. Hell learning about myself scares me sometimes.

But the reality of the questions is, yes and no. I of course want a someone, but I also don’t want to lose myself or what I have built in the process. I do not want to become the shadow of a man. I want to build an empire and be a Queen. I do not want to be lied to, I am afraid to wake up one day and not have someone be there. I see people in and out of relationships so quickly, and I think to myself how did they have time to heal. Here I am, and I can’t even commit to what I want to wear tomorrow.

In the past, I have found myself comfortable with inconsistent, and stagnant relationships because it feels consistent to me. That makes no sense but at the same time it makes all the sense in my world. The further away someone is from me, with the possibility of being close to fulfill my emotional and physical needs I find a temporary comfort. I teach myself to not expect anything and I toggle with emotions and self worth, but I get over it and feel okay.

Some things take time. This is one of them.

You are so familiar with being “done” with things that it has become a new comfort zone. The truth is, you’re not going anywhere until you become comfortable with the concept of being alone –Author Unknown

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