January 19,2017

SOS.

I know I cannot be the only one who is ready for Friday? It seems like this week went by quickly when I had down time; which wasn’t often, and then was slow when I found myself wanting it to go by fast. Funny how that works, right? It is what it is, and I survived. I think I may make it to next Monday with some sanity, but only if I take advantage of the beach this weekend. I had a lot happen this week. I had a lot of questions, a lot anger, sadness and just uncertainty lingering in the air.

Today, it all hit me. I like to think I am a pretty strong person and I hold thing in well. That can either be good or bad, but today I hit my breaking point. I cried before my last client, and all the way back home. I thought drinking wine tonight would cure the tears, but wine only makes it worse. Who woulda thunk? Wine, make you emotional! No way!

If you keep up on my blog, you know I have a rescue dog named, Duke ! I picked him up earlier than expected and fell in love at first sight. I needed him just as much as he needed me. Today, after walking him for the second time I found out that he is aggressive with children and even the sight of a child makes him go wild, he turns into a completely different dog. I cannot risk having him where I live because I live close to 4 schools, 2 of which are Elementary schools. My heart is broken. The thought of loosing Duke opened up a basket of other emotions I have been avoiding.

It hit me today, that picking up Duke early was a way to cover up and mask feelings and emotions I wasn’t ready to deal with. So Duke, he was just the icing on the cake to these feelings that I have been avoiding.

I have questions that I feel deserve to be answered. I want to know how people can just let people leave their lives and say fuck it, like you were never there! How come some of the most valuable lessons are learned through heartbreak and pain? Why do some aspects of my life seem like broken records, replaying over and over again? Why am I always the one sitting and waiting for someone to come around and recognize my worth, when I already know what it is?

Im angry, I’m frustrated. I have questions and I want them to be answered. That is emotional me talking. Realistic me, the me who knows that the universe spins in a way I may never understand but if I’m patient I will come to learn why and all of my questions will be answered. How do you cope with these things as they are happening? If you have ways, please tell me ! I thought I was doing well by avoiding them!

I am surprised it took me this long to cry and release some of that emotional tension,  but its still there. I was embarrassed to cry in my car, I am embarrassed to tell people that know what is happening in my life that I am crying. But its real, I’m hurt. Im sad. Im confused. All of these emotions are okay though. Im human, its normal to feel and face everything head on. I just wish that I had the energy to channel these emotions into art, or something. But in case anyone out there was wondering, its okay to cry and not be okay. Not everyday can be roses and butterflies.

To re ground myself tonight, I drank wine and played with my dog. I didn’t really eat anything other than carrots and hummus, but I didn’t have an appetite. I didn’t shower because I didn’t feel like it. Im optimistic that tomorrow will be a better day. Eye brow apt, its Friday, I have 2 bottles of wine for the weekend, and in the end life moves on.

–When something bad happens we have three choices. You can either let it define you, destroy you or you can let it strengthen you

 

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