January 20, 2017

Welp. Its Friday. Here I am in bed. I don’t have to be in bed, but I choose to be. Maybe I will get up and get motivated after I write my blog? Meh, maybe not though. I had a pretty relaxing day, nothing that brought on this late night laziness, but I think I needed this lazy day.

I made a decision yesterday to try to get out and mingle with people in my area and see how I liked it. I’m on this journey and going through life collecting experiences so, I figured an experience could be getting to know other people and seeing what happens. I just am afraid to lose sight of myself again and what I am doing for myself. I feel like I am cheating on myself. But, I am living and learning.

How does one mingle when you have barely any friends in your new, yet old city? I want to go out and just sit at a table and let people come to me, but that is the most lazy proactive way to get out. I also thought maybe I should try dating again and just go on casual dates and see how that goes. I have had about 10 guys in less than 24 hours ask me out on a date, yet here I am sitting on my bed wishing I could just drink my wine and go to sleep.

I enjoy being alone, or being in the company of people I care about. Friday nights should be for cuddles and late night deep conversation, and I don’t get that these days. I would love that, but I am not being proactive about it. If I can be honest, getting to know people scares me.

As a rape survivor, I am incredibly scared of meeting new people. I walk around everyday wondering if people can tell by my body language or my face or if they can see the invisible stamp on my forehead screaming I was raped. Although, I know these things aren’t true, these feelings are still real and it makes getting to know people hard. When I do let people, especially a man into my life its because I trust you. I trust your intentions with my heart and my spirit.

I fear walking into the house of a man, that I will be raped. Again.

It takes me all I have to open up and show who I really am, and be comfortable. I have this gentle soul and kind heart that I feel people see as an opportunity to take advantage of. Sometimes I don’t see that until its too late. So, to protect myself I hide. I hide behind every excuse to get out of something, I hide behind my own fears to protect my body. What a way to live, right?

I live in fear of a man, because of what I have lived through. I live in fear of something no one should ever have to go through. I have given my heart to  very few  since my rape and each one of them has taken a piece of me with them, and changed and altered my being. I will say, I have always been the one to walk away from a man because I realized I was settling in some way. But in all of these situations none of these men have fought for me, to hold on to me, to appreciate and care about me the way I want someone to care and love me.

This may only make sense to people who understand fully what I am saying, but after you are raped you as a person are a different person.

You are selective with whom you give your body to, your heart to and your mind to.You don’t love the same, feel the same, because you are not the same person you were before you were raped.  When someone does not fight for us the way we have fought for ourselves it makes us feel weak. Not for long, because we begin to realize our own strength again. But the idea of starting over again is hard. That fear of losing someone, and then you relive the fear of what happens when you start dating again.

What if I am raped, again?

So, I stay inside to protect my body and my soul. One day, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow or maybe in a few months I will build the courage to open my heart again. I’m not sure when it will be, but it will happen. I will walk without fear, and hold my head up high, because I deserve that.

Tonight, was probably the hardest blog I have ever posted. I have never told anyone that before. But everyday, I learn and I grow and I share my story. There will be a day where I am at peace with everything and I will not live in fear. One day, I won’t have to make excuses as to why I cannot hang out with someone, or why I avoided going on a date. One day, I won’t be ashamed to say I couldn’t do that tonight because it didn’t feel right.

–You’re not a victim for sharing your story. You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth, and raging courage. –Alex Elle

 

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