January 28,2017

It has been awhile since I have taken time to write. I haven’t been in a  very good space lately, so took some time to just go through the motions of life. Its funny how sometimes we think its better for ourselves to just go with the flow than to go against the grain and challenge ourselves to do the things we don’t think we can. Usually, I am the person who goes against the grain but its been hard lately.

I am going through a lot of pressure at work, with trying to keep my head above water and stay low under the radar, while seeking out new opportunities around me. I have been trying to mentally and physically prepare for a HUGE exam I take here soon, all while still trying to figure out the next big step in my life. Its semi unbearable at times, but I manage.

Its times like these where I build the most resistance inside, when I am constantly battling with myself to find this strength that I wish I could get from someone else. I have felt to mentally weak and drained this past week that I find myself wanting to curl up and cry. But, thats the easy way out. So, I face things the best way I know how. This week it was skipping out on writing out how my journey was going, and just dealing with it.

I don’t think my progress is much to write home about. I almost feel as if I digressed a little. I have been bottling up my feelings and really being hard on myself for it. Its like being stuck inside of your head without an escape because the barriers and walls are so high. And even if I could let someone in, would i trust them with what these walls hide? Could someone look at me the same after I reveal the darkest things, I only share with myself?

It makes me wonder, if my walls being so strong and so high hold me back from letting someone in. I get afraid of being hurt, so I run. I take off for the hills and don’t look back. Sometimes, I do look back and I realize I over reacted or maybe I was being unfair to both myself and the other person and come back weak and the cycle starts over again. This is in relationships and friendships. I am afraid to give to much of myself, but struggle with this longing for someone to understand me.

I don’t always understand me though. How can I expect someone else to understand me? Ugh. Complicated stuff. I have just been on my own so long though that I have built a resistance to other people understanding me. There is comfort in people not understanding me, because that means the less they know the less I can depend on them. I have a fear that if someone knows my weaknesses and my flaws they can use these against me in my darkest times. I can’t handle that.

I guess you could say after reading this, I am in quite the space. I suffer from loneliness, but find comfort in this same space I dread being in. I think my first real step is opening up an allowing myself to be vulnerable.

–Being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure– Bob Marley

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