So, I decided to start titling all of my post with something more creative than the date. We already know there are 365 days in the year and I figure I could let my creativity show in more than just my words but also in my title.
It has been a pretty busy week, were only on Wednesday and I am mentally and physically exhausted. I don’t understand where all of my energy is going. My schedule is pretty much the same everyday. I wake up work, study and work some more. Oh wait? Is that the problem, all I have time for is work and studying. I realized today after one of my clients that I have not done yoga in a class setting in awhile, I rarely have the energy to meditate and I haven’t hit the gym consistently.
All of these things I am failing to do, because I am allowing my life to control me, as opposed to me controlling my life. That sounds silly, because my life is me and I am my life? Right, or something like that. However, it just doesn’t seem fair. I am constantly busting my butt in school, and with work and I’m not taking the proper time to take care of myself. Even when I get these chances I am hardly proactive and just sleep.
Today, I decided to get off the couch and head to my clients house a little early hoping to sit at the Youngs Circle Park. I was able to get there like 45 minutes early, traffic was light! It was a miracle, or maybe it was just the universe way of having my back today. Its beautiful how these things work out in our favor.
Let me paint the scene. This park is a beautiful space filled with large trees that shade the park, a miniature water garden, a cute park for the children and a paved pathway that leads to a small stage surrounded by green grass. There is also a Hot Glass center where you can go in and learn to blow glass. Pretty cool park, but my favorite part about this park is how peaceful it is. Even though its right in the middle of a huge traffic circle something about this park makes life seem beautiful. Sometimes I go sit here and watch the people, or I sit on my cellphone and try to enjoy the air and background noise.
This evening was a little different. This week, I have been investing a lot of emotional energy into someone that has not been investing this same energy back. I find myself so emotionally drained by the end of the day trying to figure out what I can do better, or how even what I can do to make this persons day better. I am a giver, naturally so I will pour my heart and soul into someone else happiness whether it be a lover or a friend I always want to give everything I have. So, today at the park.. I took time for me.
My heart was heavy, my spirit has been dampened and I was feeling this weakness inside that made me feel doubtful of myself. I sat on the highest step I could and stared at my feet. I just sat there with my feelings and brought everything I have been dealing with right to the front of my brain. I told myself how it made me feel, challenged myself to find solutions to change these feelings. In this moment, my resting heart beat was 92 beats per minute. Thats pretty high for me, considering its usually significantly lower.
I sat there, and it took me 5 minutes to even find a breath I was comfortable with. It took me 5 minutes to get comfortable with the solutions I offered myself and to just be ok with what was happening and where I was. After those 5 minutes of my mind being hazy and filled with doubt, worry, and every emotion possible I could feel my breath working. My eyes closed easily, my mind became clear and all there was around me was the flow of traffic, the footsteps against the pavement, the wind blowing in my ear and the uneasy feeling in my body began to fade away.
There I sat for 20 minutes, lost in my own breath and okay with where I was and everything I just brought to life. My resting heart rate dropped to 84 beats per minute and my mental clarity was once again where I wanted it to be. I needed every minute of that beautiful weather, the fast moving traffic and the footsteps on the pavement to reground,recenter and come back to myself.
Self care, it comes in a lot of different ways. Meditation may not be the right way for everyone, but it works wonders for me.