Sometimes, I wonder if people really think about the things they say before they say them. I am all for advice and seeking new information from people, but only if they have a substantial amount of knowledge or experience in the things they are trying to talk about. If you don’t know what you’re saying, well some things just shouldn’t be said.
The other day, I was on my social media and some guy commented on a friend of mines post and he had something to say about Lady GaGa’s performance outfit. Of course my outspoken self, I had make sure I said my peace. It was not hostile, nor was it something that made me come off as if I was judging him or his family. In fact, I didn’t even know the guy and did not care to know the guy. Just thought if he can be a big mouth on a post, that I could as well.
After our discussion and I said my peace he automatically assumes that I am a victim of sexual assault or domestic violence and he makes sure he tells me that “he can tell.” In my mind, its automatically going WILD. Is it in the way I defend women, is it in the way I type, how can he tell? He proceeds to tell me its because I was violent and hostile and passive aggressive. NONE of these words have ever been used to describe my personality. EVER.
I was so angry in that moment, this is something I struggle with to this day. When i turn the corner and meet new people, when I meet new clients at work, when I’m walking alone. Are the words “i was raped” tattooed on my forehead for all to see. I had to do some deep belly breathing and come back to myself. Remember that this guy was probably looking for something to catch me off guard and he did not know me.
No matter how much you think you know, or what you think is appropriate to say, one thing that SHOULD NEVER come out of your mouth is, “you talk like you’ve been raped.” HOW DARE YOU!
People are so ignorant to others and our feelings, what we go through and the struggles we face daily. For the remainder of my day, I was afraid to leave my house in fear I was some angry, hostile, rape victim. I had to go to the gym last night because I knew I needed to face this fear that I work so hard to rid of. I had to step up to the plate and tackle this very thing I was afraid of.
I avoided eye contact with everyone last night. I tried to mask my tears with one of my best friends at the gym and just push on. I struggle with not talking about my fears, but this is a topic that sometimes makes me uncomfortable to speak of so i tucked it under the rug. I think it worked because he never suspected a thing. But let me tell you I was drained.
I was so emotionally exhausted from trying to convince myself that there was no tattoo on my forehead.
Last night, I didn’t sleep. I tossed, I turned, I had flashbacks and night terrors. I would have rather ripped through my skin than be stuck in my own head. All of this because someone told me they could tell that I was a victim. What a fucking trigger. Excuse my language, but thats not fair to give someone so much power over me and how I feel.
I had a meeting in the morning, a very important IEP meeting for one of my clients and I had to cancel because my head was spinning, my eyes were heavy and I was so exhausted. It wasn’t until about 10-11 this morning that I rolled out of bed forced myself to get some coffee. I had to just be okay with cancelling this meeting, with what someone else said and with where I am in my journey.
I walked out to a pink rose on my car. As creepy and possibly romantic as it was, I took this rose as a sign.
So today, I got work done, but at my speed. On my time. No rush and no pressure. I watched my favorite t.v. show at the moment and just took the day at my pace. I reached out to someone close to me for some advice which helped push me to be kind to myself and remind myself of the Queen I am, this person was a rock for me today when I wanted to just crumble under the pressure but they reminded me to keep going.
So for anyone reading this, word of advice. Be mindful of the things you say to people. You may never know what someone else is going through.