Life is never what it should be.
What does that even mean? I still can’t figure it out. Here I am trying to figure out why I haven’t had dinner 2 nights in a row, let alone figure out why life isn’t what it should be. I have found myself in this weird spot lately. When I started this blog I had intentions to travel, see South Florida in a way I have never had the chance when I first moved. Instead, I find myself in my room most days, napping or staring at the walls.
Today, I promised myself I would go to the gym, I would cook something to eat and have a big dinner and instead I came home and napped. I slept for 2 hours, and by the time I woke up I hadn’t the motivation to cook or even get dressed for the gym. It was nearly a struggle to clean my kitchen and tidy up my living room, but it happened.
I can’t figure out why this post has been so hard to write. I started it at 9 and here I am at midnight, coming back to it because yet again another sleepless night. Somethings never change, and one of those is my restless mind and my terrible sleeping habits.
I think the reason this blog is so hard to write, if I could be brutally honest with myself I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed at the way I handle things in my life. I have felt this sadness all day because of this feeling, and I think I was trying to portray something in my head and in my writing that I just was not. I promised myself with this blog, I would post on the best and the worse days. After all, I am only human and not everyday is going to be as beautiful as the last.
But, I am down because I am working with a company that doesn’t treat me well, and I know I can move on, yet I stay. I have stayed because I know these kids don’t get services unless I stay. They will eventually but, I also stay because the one thing in my life that is consistent is the love my kids show me. I look forward to seeing their faces everyday. I want to feel loved, everyday. So, I stay.
I am embarrassed at the way I allow certain people to treat me in my life. You would think at this point in my life I would have no tolerance of someone treating me differently than the the way I want to be treated. It doesn’t feel good to explain to people why you accept something less than you deserve, so instead of talking about it… I hide it.
I am embarrassed at the fact that I hold onto things that are not real. I fantasize on words, and I put so much faith into what people speak and forget that actions have to match their words. This happens in my work life, my personal life and just in life in general. I try to be a girl of my word so when I say something, I do everything I can to put it into action. I try to believe that everyone else has these same intentions. It’s not until I’m stuck in matters that I’m sinking in quick sand with my head barely above ground.
Today, was a rough day. Not because something went wrong or terrible or I didn’t get to venture out and see something great. Today was rough because I forgot to put myself first and push myself out of my comfort zone. I tend to wear my emotions on my face so when I feel sadness, guilt, shame, or anything it can be seen on my face. I hid inside today, because I did not want these to be seen & thats not like me.
Tomorrow. It will be better. I will push a little harder for myself. I will smile more often, laugh a little harder and be just a little kinder to me. Maybe I’ll even order pizza as a reward for being kinder to myself than I was today.
–Tomorrow’s are for fresh starts and bigger dreams.