This is a page I haven’t seen in a while. Here I am in bed trying to figure my life out and I cannot for the life of me just find a quiet sense of peace. I have been this way for a few days now and it is keeping me awake at night. There are so many different things churning in my head and so many variables playing a part in this storm I am in.
I failed my BCBA exam. That. Was. Tough. To. Swallow.
No one wants to admit that they failed, especially if you failed by only a few points. But here I am, still alive and pushing. This exam wasn’t the end all and it most certainly doesn’t define who I am as a clinican but it still stinks to say the least. On top of my exam weighing heavy on me, I am leaving a job that hasn’t been so fair to me. I am starting a new job in a community that I haven’t really worked with before. To be honest with you, I’m kind of scared.
They say though, if your dreams don’t scare you they aren’t big enough. After diving into ABA I set out to change and impact as many lives as possible and thats exactly what I am going to do. I took a job working in foster care, abused and neglected homes. I am going through my training right now, and my brain is already spinning in a million different circles.
On top of this new job, leaving one job, failing my exam, life is just moving by so quickly and I haven’t had the chance to stop and catch my breath. I don’t do the things I enjoy such as yoga, lifting, rollerblading, writing, and reading for leisure. So here I am tonight. I can’t afford to take myself out and live by my motto *treat yo self*, so instead I am writing.
I write because writing is a release. I feel free and in control. I have the power to share as little and as much as I want. There goes that control issue I have, but its real. I like to feel like something in my life is under my control and writing gives me that satisfaction. I cannot control how my test score came out, how my boss treats me at work or the actions of others in general, but I can control and regulate my emotions when I take time out to focus on just them and put myself first.
Transitioning is the hardest thing for me because it always feels like so much is happening at once and one wrong move could make everything crumble. Although thats not the case in the moment it feels as such. So, tonight I am glad I had such a powerful tool to bring myself back to center.
One day everything will be as I picture it in my head. Ha maybe not but a girl can dream right? At least I would like one day where I can FINALLY travel and check out new places like how I intended when I first set up my blog. Stay tuned, traveling is coming ! For now you get this, real, raw, unfiltered, trying to survive Ascha.