If there is one thing I suck at doing is making decisions. For example, I had to call my best friend today to ask if I should get a printer for my home, for work. I knew I needed this printer but it was still a decision.. and well.. I suck at those. Any who, I bought the printer and I have used it enough times already to more than justify my need for this printer.
Today, I had to make a decision that was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make all year. It was one of those my mind is telling me to go left, but my heart is pulling right and there are feelings caught all in the middle. I am not good at making decisions based on feelings and I often express my feelings outwardly in a call for help. I was taught in therapy that feelings are okay and should be expressed. I have learned since therapy that not everyone is as in tune with their feelings as I am. It took a lot of time and my career to really help me be in tune with myself. A lot of yoga, meditation and reflection. Nonetheless, feelings.
After making my decision, I cried. I didn’t get the response I wanted. I knew I wouldn’t, but I was hoping for some glimmer of chance. I wanted just one time for my life to be the fairytale I dream it to be. I continuously live in this fantasy world where love is magical and unconditional, unicorns exist, and things go the way I want them to. But, today that wasn’t the case.
So, here I am living with my decision. I haven’t cried it all out yet, and it hasn’t sunk in yet. It will, and as time goes on it will get better. I have this twisted way of putting things back onto myself and making failed relationships, whether they be intimate or friendships my fault. I blame myself, I didn’t try hard enough, I was too needy, I was too clingy, I didn’t give enough, I wasn’t supportive enough, I didn’t understand enough. I came down very hard on myself about a friendship I had to distance myself from, which I think led to some of the tears I dealt with today.
It wasn’t until I went to the gym and did some yoga in the group fitness room that I realized I wasn’t being kind enough to myself. I didn’t want this friendship to end, but I also wasn’t being treated fairly. It didn’t seem fair that even though I was/ am going through my own personal hardships, that I continuously blame myself for this failed friendship. Like any relationship, it takes two. My efforts to reach out and maintain contact were exhausting and draining, but if it was an equal friendship then I would have been at ease and peace and the idea of this relationship would have been comforting, relaxing and overall beautiful.
I just wanted to see this friend smile everyday, feel loved and appreciated, every single day.
The kind of person I am, I wish I could have given all of myself to make their life easier. I wish I could take their pain and their sadness, their hardship and suffering and put it all on me. I hate to see my friends and loved ones suffer. I would bear the winds of a thousand storms before I would ever let my friends suffer or be in pain. But this just is not possible and sometimes the best way to be a friend is to create distance and allow this person to grow and to mature on their own. Inevitably, space was needed for both of us to grow.
Hopefully my decision was not a goodbye, but more of a see you later.