I told someone this week that I was mentally tired. They asked why. I told them a few of my friends were going through some things and I was so worried about them, and I was exhausted from trying to think of all the ways I could help them grow, help them succeed, on top of all of my issues. They told me maybe I should not worry so much about others and take care of myself. I had to take a minute to think, maybe they were right? Maybe, I care too much? Maybe, I give too much?
Its simply not that easy for me.
I am that friend that carries the burden with you. I am that person who carries the burden with the world. I have so much love for everyone around me that no matter who you are, where you are, or what you believe, I will push you and motivate you and believe in you. I don’t have to agree with everything you do in life, or what you believe in but I believe the world is already so negative I want to be this little ball of light every where I go.
I am that friend that will sit and listen and empathize with you. I will cry with you, and I will be angry with you. I will love you. I will push you, I will motivate you. I will be there for you in every way you need. I want nothing more in life than to see the people I love succeed and be happy. If I could take all of my friends burdens away, I would. I would take them and hold them, even just for a day. I would give them comfort and ease of mind and a rest.
I sit here and run in circles thinking of ways I could take away peoples burdens or ways I can help them. I am that girl that even if you’ve done me wrong, or hurt me, I still reach out and make sure you’re okay. I don’t ever want anyone to feel like they are not special. I know on my weakest days, I appreciate when people reach out and lift me up. I think what makes me the most happy is when people tell me about their success and how things are getting better for them.
I recharge my batteries and get this energized feeling when people allow me to help them, or they share their burdens, because when I help people it gives me a purpose. When I am just doing for myself, I feel selfish.
I struggle though, with finding a balance of caring for others and letting go. I mentioned above that even if someone hurts me I continue to root for them and reach out to them to make sure their okay. For example, I recently had a friend who I became very close to over the last year, but this friendship was draining for me, so much so that I had to draw back. Even though my communication drew back, and they went with it, I still reach out and make sure their okay, even though the same isn’t reciprocated independently from them. I knew they were going through something and I want so badly to take that from them and make it better. Even though I can’t, I think about them and their struggles and their health and well being.
I have several friends where this is the case. We don’t speak as often or at all, but I’m constantly worrying and thinking about them. I come home at the end of the night mentally exhausted from wondering if they were okay today, did they eat, did they love themselves. But, when I write it out like I am right now and think about it, my mind reverts back to helping people. I often wonder where the healthy balance between living my life and worrying about myself and my well being and worrying and checking on my friends is.
One day, I will find a balance for me. Maybe this is my balance.
I always want my family, friends, and strangers to feel they are special. You never know whats going on in someone head. My mind and my spirit says, Love them. Take care of them. One day you never know how they could impact your life.