This week seemed to drag. Here I am on a Saturday wishing my weekends could last longer, or maybe I could venture out and try a new restaurant or get some ice cream at a new shop. Unfortunately this isn’t the case for me. I am struggle bus 300 these days. Between transitioning between jobs and trying to keep up with bills. My last job put me so far behind that I am sprinting to keep up with everything. This week I found myself in a bind. One I can overcome, but still in fact a bind.
I have been smiling through the pain and holding my head up high. Its almost like when something goes right there are 8 million things that go wrong. That seems dramatic, but thats how it feels. Somehow I manage to keep it all together and keep it sane. I think its being able to look around and see all of the things I have and the things I have going for me.
I have found myself in this weird mental spot lately, one where I come home, I do my work notes, study for 30-40 minutes and pass out. Or, here I am on a weekend and I wake up force myself to make breakfast, do yoga with a friend (if it wasn’t for her, I would have no social interactions with humans), and then I just lay here in my bed and sleep. If that doesn’t sound like the saddest thing in the world. I woke up today and wanted to throw cold ice water on myself. I wanted to scream at myself. How dare I sell myself so short even when I don’t have much to do the things I want to do. I have gotten into this routine where my brain just wants to shut down and give up, and my body just follow suite.
So, here I am writing it all out and figuring it all out. Tomorrow, I am going to go to the beach and rollerblade, or something. I am going to get out of this house and be active! I deserve it ! Life won’t be this tough for long, and I will see through it! I ALWAYS DO! I think I am relearning the hard way that life isn’t about what we have its about what we make of it. I wish that I could take a day and go to the spa, or get a manicure or a pedicure or anything that doesn’t involve me moving too much and someone else taking care of me! When I get over this hump and everything sorts itself out, and all of my hard work pays off I am going to a spa!! A whole day of someone else pampering me! Nails, feet, face, full body massage and cucumbers on my eye balls!
Lately, I have been spending a lot of time with someone;I met this person when I first moved down here to SoFlo, and he helps me appreciate everything and he always tries his best to keep a smile on my face. I don’t really share a lot about what I am going through with anyone but my girlfriends and my Mom and even tho he doesn’t know whats up, he always has the answer; laughter, hugs, and just great conversation. When I am with him, I am always smiling, when he’s away I find myself thinking of him and his light, his smile, his kindness and his positivity. I think through everything that life throws me, the universe knew I needed a light like his.
Just one day at a time. Sooner or later, I’ll get my day.