Life can be as simple as getting up.
Last night I promised myself that I would get up this morning with a purpose. I promised myself I would go to the gym, I would make myself dinner and I would do more than nothing. I woke up. That was the start, and it took me a minute to get out of bed… but I did. I didn’t make a nice breakfast today, but I did have Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and that was great! I love cereal, so that was good enough for me ! After breakfast, I laid back down and I was so sure that was it for me. I almost wanted that to be it for me.
Laying in bed all day. Avoiding human life, avoiding my studying, avoiding the gym. All of that sounded better than actually getting up and getting ready. But, I got up and went to the gym. I had one of the best workouts a girl could have. Did a low weight, high rep lower body workout and some cardio. I managed to come home and actually ate immediately after. I never do that lately, for some reason my appetite is non-existent lately, but today it was there. Thankful for that.
After my shower, I laid back in bed. I wanted to go to bed. I took a 45 minute nap and it was like my body melted into my bed. I didn’t wanna get up. It was only 3:30 and my body just felt like jell-o. Today was a mental game with myself. I didn’t really get on my social media because it would have sucked me in so I got up.
Here I am at Starbucks. I took myself out on a coffee/ study date today. I got my usual caramel iced coffee with little cream and posted up on the patio. Joined a Zoom (a online study group for my BCBA exam), and actually participated actively in the group. I think a lot of my sadness lately has come from not passing my exam and being hard on myself. I have demonstrated a lot of self destructive behaviors and that needs to stop. I know my stuff, and I just have to keep pushing. So needless to say Zoom went well today and I am glad I made the decision to get up, and get out of my house for zoom. Studying is so much easier when you’re on a patio, outside and surrounded by people. I know that sounds weird, surrounded by people when you’re trying to study. But, I spend so much time alone and isolated sometimes the noise of other people can be comforting.
Zoom is over, so I am going to chill out here on the patio. There are plenty of dogs on the patio to keep a girl entertained for a little bit! I love the community I live in, I can sit on the patio, interact with nice people and not be hit in on or harassed. Living in a gay community is comforting. Most of the people I have encountered here have been great people and the conversation is great. What a great feeling.
I always tell myself I would be much happier if I got up and got out, but sometimes I get so comfortable in isolation I forget that a date with myself can be the little thing I enjoy like coffee shops. There are so many good ones in the area and I have yet to take advantage of them. That needs to change! I vow to check out as many coffee shops or even just my favorite one at least 1/2x a week. Coffee and good company is necessary for my happiness.
I honestly have days where I feel getting back on anti-depressants and mood stabilizers would be the best route, but its not. Thats the easy way out. The hard way is actually challenging myself to come outside of my comfort zone, interacting with life around me and finding the things that make me happy. I struggle with this everyday. Living with some of the challenges I do daily isn’t easy, but I think thats what makes life so beautiful is finding little pieces of yourself that you could work harder on and get better at. There is a whole big world of love, color and life out there and I refuse to take the easy way out ever again.
When I was on my anti-depressant and my mood stabilizer I wasn’t myself. I was a version of myself that medication made. I was happy, but it was a fake happy. I wasn’t more active, I was just able to survive without all of the challenges. I wasn’t able to cry on my mood stabilizer, it made me emotionless and without life. I rarely felt things with my emotions I was more matter of fact. Which isn’t a bad thing but thats not who I am. If anyone knows me, they know I am an emotion driven person and thats what makes me so empathetic, so caring and the me I know and love. Living without medication has been a long journey, but its always great one. Im always learning and I am always evolving.
Today I was able to come back to the me I know and love, and it didn’t take medication.. it took being outside in the sunshine.
I wish I could sit outside like all night.
But the mosquitos are eating me alive, so back home I go.