When it rains, it pours. I am just thankful that after some down pours we are blessed with a rainbow. I don’t think I’ve ever had a down pour that didn’t follow with at least something beautiful. Or, maybe … thats just how I choose to come out of my anxiety. Finding the best in every thing, so that way it makes waking up everyday a little easier. I can’t imagine where I would be if I didn’t pep talk myself every day before getting out of bed. “O.. you can do this, you are strong, you are courageous, you are beautiful.. now get the hell up.”
I traveld to Georgia last weekend. I also spent some time in Alabama, met some new people and had great time. I drove up and back alone, which left me with time to have multiple Karaoke sessions in my car as well as a lot of time to just sit and reflect. I usually have a lot of time to myself, well all the time in the world except when I work. So, reflection for me either eats away at my soul, or its healing. I try to make it more healing, but sometimes my thoughts are darker than I can handle, and I would rather not dig myself into that hole. I think the awareness of this is what keeps me sane.
Anyway, Georgia. I enjoyed my time there, and I had some great company while I was there. Its amazing the people we meet in our lives and how we meet them. I can never be sure where or why people end up in my life, but while they are here I will enjoy every minute with them. My trip to Georgia was great and a nice break from Florida.
When I came home, and the week following. Thats when anxiety hit. I want to get into it, but I am not ready to talk about the triggers that caused these attacks. I want to talk about what this anxiety looks like for me and talk about how I come out of it.
Anxiety for me, is heart rushing, head spinning, heavy chest with uncontrollable breathing and I have constant thoughts of wanting to die. Sometimes my anxiety gets so bad that I would rather end it all than deal with whats in front of me. Don’t worry, I have never attempted suicide, but in the moment when my blood pressure goes up, I can’t find my breath and my brain is going wild… I start to think of the craziest things. This past week I had 6 anxiety attacks. I had all of my strongest supports going through there own issues, so I kept to myself. I did have one of my best friend Jason who reached out, as he always does to make sure I was okay.
I will always tell people, I am ok. Even when in that moment I am not. Because, I don’t like to look weak. I am working on that. But as a woman who is still coping and surviving it puts a fear in my soul to come off as weak. I manifest a secure outward impression, so it intimidates people and leaves the idea that I am in fact a strong, unstoppable and fierce woman. A force to reckon with.
I have had some people ask me how I remain so collected even when my brain is falling apart. The answer to that is simple. When you are ok, like when your brain is stable and the people are not running around like wild fire.. love yourself. Make extra sticky notes with affirmations and lay them around the house, utilize this okay time to practice your deep breathing, and work on these tools so that way in the moment when you are weak they are there and strong. You cannot expect to use something for the first time without error if you’ve never practiced it.
It takes extra practice to calm yourself down, if you’re like me… single and living alone you have to do for yourself. It would be nice to have someone come in and hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. But, thats not my reality and dreaming about something that isn’t there and won’t be there won’t help me. So, for now I am in this alone at least physically.
There is never a better time to start caring for yourself and preparing yourself for what you will need, than right now.
The rest of the week has been well. I am still having some anxiety and things are not just magically better.
But with everyday it gets better and life moves on. If you struggle with severe anxiety, I believe in you! You will get through it!