It was never about the premium.

Life insurance.. whats that? Oh yeah that thing that adults get when they get old so if they kill over we can protect our loved ones. I made the decision to get life insurance and started the process through my USAA. I was so excited to call my mom and tell her that if I die my student loans were covered. How exciting for me and my family !!

Well, I wish this blog post was going to be about the great deal I got on my life insurance plan. The guy quoted me at 11.00 a month but with my bundle of all my other adult things on USAA I was only going to be paying 1 dollar. HOW EXCITING! Life insurance for only 1 dollar!!!!! I was so excited that I posted about it on Facebook and called my Dad. What a steal!

Yesterday, I get a call from the Life Insurance adjuster saying there were a few things they wanted to discuss when they pulled up my medical records. Of course, I am thinking well I have asthma even though I haven’t used an inhaler in a few years they probably want to ask me a few questions. Boy, was I wrong. They had to ask me about a few anti-depressants I had taken when I was raped. I didn’t know when getting life insurance they needed to know the circumstances under which I was taking these pills, that mind you were taken almost a year ago at this point.

I informed him, I was raped and afterwards to help me cope and deal with everything I was put on those. He responds to me,

“wow thats unfortunate… unfortunately your premium will raise by 12 dollars.”

So, let me get this straight, I was raped and I have to pay for that years later.. as if I don’t already suffer enough daily. Someone took a piece of my body that they had no permission to take, and I will never get back… and you’re saying I now have to pay extra for that. How amazing is the system when there are not even special circumstances that allow battered and raped women to have some sort of healing process.

I had to hang up the phone with this adjuster to be able to cry without judgement. In that brief moment, I had went back to the night it happened began blaming myself for everything that happened, replaying different scenarios. Everything just rushed to the forefront. I called my Mom to blow off steam and her best advice was to cancel the policy. I called my father and his best advice was to never show these people my emotions. Never show them that I am affected and I have let go of everything.

Never show emotion. How? All of this advice I’m sure sounds great to someone who has in fact never been raped. But in the reality of my situation there are many things that make me emotional in regards to this situation. Intimate relationships, stepping into large crowds of people because I feel that people can see I WAS RAPED on my forehead. Trying to meet new people makes me emotional because I struggle with how much to tell them and what not to tell them. How am I supposed to not get emotional over something like this.

My dad thought it was about the premium going up. It wasn’t about the premium. It was the fact that someone indirectly said, because you were raped you will be forced to pay more money. I knew this issue would never disappear, but I never thought I would have to pay for it either. It took me a half hour to come down from that cry session I had. I was able to eat some food, call a friend and then had to head straight into a clients house. Which in that moment was my saving grace.

Dad, it was never about the premium. Its about the fact that everyday, I struggle to love myself, to walk outside my door, I lost a lot of myself walking out of that house where I was raped almost 3 years ago. But here I am, medicine free, trying to live happily, trying to be the best version of this new me that I can be. I was pushed down a little, and its okay because it didn’t break me. But, once again… it was never about the premium.

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