Its been a long time since I have made my way to my blog. I have missed writing so much, and it seems I have so much to say. So lets see where I should start.. oh yeah, with the most exciting new stuff!! I got a puppy! His name is Oliver Winston Cross, and he is the best Great Dane puppy a girl could ever have !! I love him so much. I have had several anxiety attacks since having him and its amazing how much petting him and loving on him can bring down my anxiety. I feel a little less lonely most days knowing I am coming home to him, knowing that I have him. The puppy stages are a little rough, but they will be over before I know it and I will miss him being little. So, for now I will enjoy these little precious moments.
I have been extremely home sick lately. Well, almost everyday for the last few months. I have not been happy here in south Florida, for a long time and I have finally come to accept that, its not failure that I move back closer to home but a success in a chapter that is ready to end. I have spent close to two years here in South Florida, and I have made many memories, made some amazing friends and met some amazing people but it is my time to say adios and embark on a different journey. I work in child welfare down here, and I have also come to realize that, this is may not be for me either. I have made a huge decision to move back North possibly to Washington D.C, or even better back home and get back into the autism community. I am so excited to think about taking on a role in a new city and maybe even my home state. I will be closer to home, no matter where I choose hopefully in a thriving city and hopefully come out of my shell, with all of the amazing things this new potential city has to offer.
I had been so conflicted in my feelings to want to move back closer to home. I hate the cold weather, I hate the snow and I most definitely didn’t want to leave the sandy beaches of SoFlo. Aside from the beautiful weather here in Florida, I have not been happy. When I tell people, If I ever had children, I would never raise them here… should be a warning sign that this is not where I am meant to be. Am I sure if Washington, D.C., if I choose there, will be that place either, I am not sure, but I am going to bask in the idea of being closer to home. I have definitely been sad thinking about leaving, I have made some pretty amazing friends from all of the people I have met down here but, visiting will be a pleasure!
Another reason I am so anxious to make it back closer to home is because of all the things happening in my immediate family. I understand that things happen by freak accident or life, but sometimes those things make us realize how important it is to be close to home. My mom had a heart attack and was hospitalized for several days. She is recovering and doing well, but then not even a week later my baby sister was in a car accident and broke her back. She has been out of surgery since earlier this afternoon, and is doing okay.
Most who know me, know that when it comes to my emotions and my feelings, I suppress them and choose not to talk about them. I don’t like to be touched, talked to, or basically interacted with when something is weighing heavy on me. I have kept myself inside for most of the day today, with the exception of coming back home from Orlando. I have had my phone on DND and just trying to process everything that has been happening. Here I am 1100 miles away from home, I want to be close to my family but its not an easy trip to make. I have another little sister who has done nothing but treat me shitty since my mom had a heart attack. But, thats another story for another day. I am all alone, missing my family and I just want to be near them.
If I choose to move to any place other than home like, moving to D.C, I know isn’t moving home, but it sure is close enough to get in my car and make the drive to see them. So I cannot wait to get “there”, wherever there is for me right now.
As for dating myself, I have basked in the idea of having the extra funds to take myself out and I do. The other day, for the OSU football game, I took myself to a place called Bru’s room here in Delray. My stay there was not so awesome. I am seated outside as I wanted to enjoy the patio weather while I can cause I am moving right as winter is starting. I just wanted to watch the game and enjoy a beer and some food, when some guy who was clearly high and possibly drunk sits behind me at the community table and starts talking to me. I tried to make the small talk, but I am not one for small talk, especially during game time. This asshole of a dude, begins to touch my shoulder and even made his way to my chest and was saying rude things like, “if you know anyone who needs a quarter back sneak, let me know” or ” I can play football in your end zone.” It took me all I had to not tear into this guy, I was distressed, angry, upset and violated all at the same time. How dare you just put your hands on someone you do not know, and on top of that you are going to make sexual advances to a stranger.
Where do men get this idea that women actually enjoy these things. Your comments are creepy, you are a creeper and we do not want to you to touch us. I am always a loud person when it comes to my body, and my rights, but in this moment I just could not process what was happening. I had to ask my server to ask him to leave me alone, because I was ready to turn around and knock him in the face. I ended up leaving the bar early because I was so uncomfortable. I try not to let experiences like these ones validate my reasoning for staying inside, but how do you not when something like this could escalate even further and put you at risk.
Everyday, as a woman we are asked to be silent and simply brush off the actions of men, but never are men asked to stand accountable for their actions. I am frequently called a man hater, or extra feminist because of how I stand up for women, but it has been far too long that we as women have been disrespected by men. Some of my guy friends ask why ” I don’t give them a chance” but turn around and laugh at me when I make “feminist post” … there is your answer. It will never be okay for you to laugh about the things that happen to me daily, because your laughter is a signal for me that you are probably that guy in public or you are the same guy who may make me feel crazy for standing up for myself.
I am not weak, and I damn sure don’t need a man to validate my existence. I won’t settle for anyone who cannot fight next to me for the things I care about.