Forgiveness

This word is something I have visited before. Still a word that is unclearly defined for me and one that has boundaries and conditions. Forgiveness for some, is easy and for others like myself it is impossible. I tend to satiate on the actions that hurt me and I want to know why someone wanted to hurt me, or if the intent was out of pure malice or did they really not understand how their actions would effect me. My fixation on the why did this happen, or how could you let this happen seems to be a distraction for finding peace in the pain.

As an analyst, I know that all behaviors have a cause. I understand how behaviors are reinforced and how they are maintained and so on and so forth. I have a hard time separating what I know professionally, and what people tell me. You would think with this type of knowledge that I would be able to forgive easier, but I use my knowledge to do just the opposite. Because of my past history with hurt, I tend to find forgiveness in the little things, but the bigger things are not as easy.

For example, my rapist. I am still on this journey to forgiveness. I want to be at peace and I want to believe that forgiveness is in the future, but in reality im harboring pain and hurt. I want to forgive the man that took from body the second time after begging me into sex, but I find struggle in forgiving the actions of people who encompass the same level of cognitive abilities as myself. I was not in the bedroom with men who had intellectual disabilities, I was with grown men who were fully aware of their actions.

This same level of I cant forgive you is carried over into my relationship. I have generalized all mental and emotional forgiveness and built this strong wall of resentment towards those who have hurt me emotionally and mentally.

The inability to forgive someone you love can be a determent to a relationship.

I am lost in this fight of finding peace. I have gone for so long being okay with where I was and living the way I was. Now, who I am and how I cope and deal with certain pains is causing pain and hurt to someone, I love. How can I overcome something to bring peace into my home, without feeling rushed to overcome what has happened to me in my past. I am not ready to forgive my past because I still struggle everyday to find out why It happened to me, why It happened again but in a different way. I struggle to forgive anyone for the things that make me less of a person.

All of me; that I thought had come so far, has just been maintaining in slightly unhealthy ways. Avoiding what is, to feel better in my own skin. I want to be able to look the man I love in his face and tell him I forgive him. I want to believe myself when I say It to. Am I the only one to blame over the last few years and what now seems like unhealthy coping strategies.

Forgiveness is something that takes time. It is this beautiful skill I wish I had more of. I am willing to forever learn and grow from creating a foundation on forgiveness but where does that start for me. Do I start with my demons? Do I start with the myself? I haven’t been here in so long, that I feel uncomfortable speaking on It, thinking about It. I hold a grudge on myself all the time and still haven’t full forgiven myself for putting myself in all the wrong places at the wrong time. People tell me often when I ask, that I did nothing wrong and the only forgiveness to myself should be forgiving myself for being so hard on me. Where do I start when It come to forgiving other people…

One thought on “Forgiveness

  1. Great read! I’m sure your quest will take you down many avenues but I strongly believe you will find your forgiveness in all things soon enough. You have a great spirit and a big heart!

    Like

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