Metanioa.

Up to this point in my life, I have spent a lot of time alone and doing things that typical people do with other people, all by myself. I found comfort in being alone and in complete solitude. I never thought that where I am now is where I was going to be for the long haul. I am so in love with my life and where I am, but the adjustment to some things I am facing seems so completely hard at times.

The woman I work so hard to be and have become took a lot of soul searching and aloneness. I purposely picked jobs that I could get into my car and travel from client to client just to be alone, I lived alone, and I picked restaurants that were more quiet and coffee shops with chairs that sat independent from tables to avoid people. I spent so much time alone and essentially dating myself that now that I am dating someone, I have a hard time understanding their lifestyle.

Jason is my best friend and I am so in love with everything about him. I give him a hard time about somethings, but thats just because I love him so much and I will forever continuously push him to be better. One of the things, I don’t strive to change, but is a change for me is, how big his friends group is. Throughout my life, I have had groups of friends, we would go drinking together and hang out on the weekends, but as life happened, I slowly started cutting people out. I learned that I could not trust everyone, or I simply out grew some of the people in my life. So inevitably, those who I cherished the most are still here, and none of them are in the same circle of people.

All of my friends come in odd numbers, meaning I have one great friend from one part of my life that made a great impact and has stayed with me. I am adjusting to Jason’s way of life which is having one giant 110 person group of friends. When I see 110 people in a chat room or anywhere my head is filled with anxiety. Too many people in any aspect makes me anxious. I used to be huge social butterfly, I still can be, but only after several minutes of deep meditative breathing and hyping myself up.

All of Jasons friends have shown to be great people and I am so happy to meet new people that are a big part of my humans life. But.. there is always a but. I hope if any of them read this, that they understand this isn’t personal to them, its just a me adjusting thing. I shouldn’t be explaining myself on my blog, but here I am anyways because I don’t want anyone thinking I hate them or any thing crazy.

Anyways, a huge part of my vision when I had a boyfriend was exploring the world and getting out on adventures just him and I. I have lived in this little bubble of myself so long, and I didn’t think that when I added a human all of the people they would bring with them. Yet, here I am adjusting to this new way of life. Jason and I have been talking about trips and things we want to accomplish this year and I am finding that all of the things I planned in my head as just him and I, are happening with him and I and a large group of people. Although not all 110 people will be coming with us, closer to 12 or so people, the adjustment is still very real and very much the same.

One thing I teach to my yoga students is to learn to live in the moments and embrace the things you cannot change. I haven’t developed a strong solution to how to combat my feelings towards what I believed I wanted and what is actually happening. Applying what I teach is probably the most difficult of part of what I do. It is one thing to be able to speak these words to others, but to actually utilize these words and apply them to my life.

Remembering that at any point if I am overwhelmed that I am allowed to take time away from any energy that is not serving me. I am okay to stay back in a space away from everyone, not because I don’t want to be with them but because I need personal space too. Because I am allowed to do anything that serves my energy in a positive way.

I tend to care about what others may think in the moment if I do something they don’t understand. This year, because of all of the changes to my space and life, I am going to really start providing positive affirmation to myself. If someone doesn’t understand what I do and why, who cares. If they want to know, I will gladly tell them but if there is judgement to let that pass without phase. I need to remind myself that only I know what self care looks like for me. I am inevitably the only person that should be able to effect, and change my mood, and I have to remind myself how important It is to be okay with being the “odd one.”

With all of that being said, here is to life in 2018. I am optimistic to the change, all while being frightened of the change. One of my biggest fears in having so many changes and doing everything surrounded by so many people, that I lose that empowering feeling of being able to conquer the world by myself. I know I will find the best way for me, and all will be work out, its just find out and taking the time to get there that makes me anxious.

metanoia — the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self or way of life

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