Welcome back stranger. – says me to myself, my inner writer self.
Funny how we can become accustomed to doing something that gives us joy and then one day we leave it behind reminiscing in the joy we once had while engaging in said activity. Writing gives me so much joy and I closed my Mac book and left this piece of me in a standstill. I think at times I feel so vulnerable. I am writing to who knows who. I get caught up in what others will think of me sharing so much, that I completely forget that I do this for myself. Writing gives me joy. It doesn’t matter who reads and judges me, if im passionate about it I am going to continue doing it. Maybe just maybe my story will inspire someone.
Enough rambling though because I didn’t come here to convince anyone I was going to write and why I should be writing. I picked up my laptop to share something I had to convince myself of, earlier at the gym. I came back to my blog to document this small hurdle I had to jump through to “be ok” today.
Its been a long day/week/month. Today, was the ultimate test of will power, mental strength and personal growth. I haven’t been sleeping, haven’t been utilizing the gym the way I usually do and I haven’t been feeling myself the last few weeks. My routine sucks and im just down and out. I think at this point in my life im just mentally exhausted from overworking myself. I wanted to give up today about 6 times but with a new trainee in my office, I had to keep going. Despite the 65 emails that come through my email on a day to day basis and the 10 million fires, I would say im handling shit pretty well. At least surface level, cause usually the people in my head are running around screaming for mercy.
When I get home, I feel this urge to continue to be super woman. I want to go to the gym, come home and clean, cook dinner, play with my dog, read, meditate. There just isn’t enough time in the day to do all the things my mind wants my body to complete. I was so convinced that despite the mental fatigue, the physical fatigue and my headache that the gym was the best thing for me. With Jason standing above me telling me to come on, I just had to get up. I knew the gym isn’t what I needed, but this unhealthy coping mechanism that continuously tells me that I will become obese without the gym everyday told me to get the fuck up. So I did. I got dressed, I slept one my way to the gym. When it was time to get out, I sat in the passenger seat holding back tears. All I wanted to do was cry. I didn’t want to be there. I got out.
I was hoping the gym would be the ultimate mood changer. I would get on the treadmill and instantly feel a sensation of “ahhhh, I knew it.” LIES. I knew this wasn’t going to be what I needed, because I wanted to cry. As a moon child, tears are a healthy part of life. A true cancer will know what I mean when I say this. Jason and I did cardio for about 15 minutes before he said he wanted to switch it up. I grabbed a foam mat, headphones in hand and followed him to the fitness room. I put my mat on the floor and just laid there.
I just cried. It took one deep breath and told myself it was okay to give my body what it needed. Tears. As a cancer when in doubt, cry. I felt embarrassed. What if Jason sees me in my happy place crying on the floor. He was right beside me, so im sure he saw. He didn’t say anything. But I know he saw. I couldn’t move. That paralyzing feeling of knowing that you have to let go of the things you cannot control to make room for the strength to tackle the things you can is overwhelming. Its a necessary process to have and go through, I just usually try to do it at home, on the floor or in the bed.
My body needed, tears, reassurance in the form of self love, and positivity. Im sure if you follow my story, you’re asking yourself …. why couldn’t you get some of it from Jason. The truth of the matter is, you cannot always get reassurance and positivity from the people who love you if you cannot give it to yourself. I have to love me before I count on Jason to do, and especially not for me. I needed to cry to release, I needed to put myself in a vulnerable space in a place like the gym that gives me joy because the personal trek of health and fitness encompasses mental health as well as physical. I learned a few things again, from crying at the gym.
1. Crying is normal
2.Its okay to not be okay, especially in front of other people
3. Listen to your body and your mind
4.Self care is loving yourself first
5. Pick up an make time for the things you love
I really could ramble on about how perfect Jason was after my cry. Not because he’s so amazing and could see how distraught I was, but because I truly felt like his love was just extra to the love I had already provided myself.
I think I could get back into this whole writing thing. If you are reading this, I challenge you to ask yourself… whats something you dont do enough of that makes you happy?