Coming back to me

I have scaled this page several times over, pondering on if and when would be most appropriate time to start writing again. I struggle with wanting to share to inspire and wanting to not overbear people with the intensity of my emotions. If you re anything like  myself you carry the weight of the world, and the emotions of others on your shoulder. I also struggle with not wanting to share with anyone because my husband is so private. We are the opposite of each other and how we chose to swim through our emotions and deal with adversity. Neither way is wrong, just different and thats ok.

The first 1500 words I wrote before this, I deleted. I got rid of those words not because they didn’t mean anything but because it was wrote with fear, and pain. Although, there is nothing wrong with either of those emotions and I will touch on them, my message isn’t about living in fear and/or pain but coping with it. With the pandemic, COVID19, there is already enough fear and pain in that and if people are anything like me they will push their own “things” off to the side to make room too hold space for others. I find myself in this space often and because of this I am afraid to admit that I am struggling with things outside of this pandemic and my emotions are too much to bear at times.

I thought I had to teach myself over again that it is, “okay to not be ok.” It wasn’t that I hadn’t learned it right the first time, I failed to implement the self-care strategies I needed to sit in my emotions without feeling sorry for myself. So, here is my best shot at sharing whats going on inside of my head but without the pity.

In December, I found out that I was pregnant and just as soon as I found out, I had a missed miscarriage. How defeating is that? I was ready to share and embark on this journey with my husband. I shifted gears from not thinking about children, to my body preparing to do the greatest thing it could ever do; create a child. Jason and I had already started to think of names, what colors we would decorate with and the conversation of what we would be and look like as parents heavily emerged. To see the look of my husbands face when I shared this news with him was priceless. To find out that the baby didn’t have a heartbeat, I was embarrassed and defeated.

We opted for the surgery

Shortly after the d&c when my body should have been recovering, I was getting worse. Much to my luck, I had gotten two post operation infections that brought me down pretty bad. The first doctors visit after my surgery, was with the only available doctor in the office and he unfortunately gave me the wrong medication. He told me that in 48 hours I would be good to go. So naturally, I did what I do best and got back to work. I traveled to Georgia for work and while there at the gym; a place I should not have been because I was given a ineffective medication and was not healed, I made my condition worse. The next day I ended up in the hospital alone. I had to retell my story to a stranger not once but twice and had to be examined by a doctor that I wasn’t familiar with. I was given a proper diagnosis, some more medication and was told that I had a 7.5cm cyst that ruptured. I left the next day to go back home.

Two weeks of medication and I still wasn’t better. I followed up with my doctors office and was sent for more imaging. To my surprise (not really), I have a now 11cm cyst on my ovary. The only way to rid of this is surgery. Another curve ball in the mix, COVID19 strikes and the whole world has stopped. Here we are sheltered in place.

My mind races to those who are in a less fortunate place than I am. I have food, a beautiful house, a supportive husband and thankfully I still have my job. Unlike many others in this situation, my heart aches for the children in abusive homes, those in homes that can’t afford to feed themselves and the many who are without an income during this time. I have no right to sit in self-loath because I am experiencing a little bit of physical pain, right?

This is the most damaging statement any person could say to themselves

The things we experience should not be placed on a scale next to those who are not in our shoes. You can still empathize with those in a less fortunate situation while also taking care of yourself. Too many times have I kept my pain and life experiences to myself because those in other situations run to the forefront of my mind. I also try to tell myself that it could be worse. How can I practice both of these at the same time?  Asking for help, while also being strong for others without looking a hot mess? I am the strong friend. Always. I will look those I love in the eye and blatantly lie about being ok, to continue to be the strong friend. Lately, I have been more open with people and have reached out more often to talk about the things that have me down. I am more transparent about the pain I am in and how it has effected me.

From these experiences, I have found that I am checked on more, and people are asking specific questions that I can’t just say the usual blanket statements to passively dismiss their attempts of a thoughtful check in. I have also found myself here, back to this page, my blog. Writing is one of the best outlets I have and I lost sight of this because I thought that after getting married “dating myself stopped.” In reality, it doesn’t stop, you have to continuously love yourself and redefine and find yourself through all of life’s phases. This phase like many before are not a straight line and there is no perfect road map for success.

I often find myself comparing me to what I see on Instagram, facebook and what is on tv. I have gotten down on myself because I have gained weight, I can’t work out like I want to, my skin care routine isn’t where I want it to be. Putting down my phone, speaking life into my self by stepping away from the comparisons and remembering that through every painful sleepless night, I wake up and help others through my work, I check on my friends and I get shit done. I am this strong, capable woman who has setbacks and has fear, sadness anxiety but I also have a village, and love and life.

Writing won’t take away the pain I feel daily, it won’t change that I am no longer pregnant and grieving but it will help me to carry on and cope. Sadness with grief isn’t a death sentence nor is it a reason to give up and lose hope.

If you’re struggling with something through this pandemic or at any point along your journey, it is okay to also express that and be angry about the circumstances and reach out to your village. It is okay to put yourself first and let people know that you are not ok. Develop your plan that allows you to sit in your emotions and be okay with those feelings, but pull yourself up and out of them. You deserve to be heard.

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