Welcome to my blog! My goal is to be as real and vulnerable with my readers as possible. My name is Oascha, I am 25 years old born and raised in Ohio and currently located in South Florida. I grew up in a big home, full of love, family- 2 wonderful parents and 5 siblings. I was the the third oldest in line and the oldest girl. My parents were hardworking and amazing parents, they have been together since they were 14 and 15 years old. You would think I would have a handle on this love life thing watching them be so in love all of my life.
I went to OSU for my undergraduate degree and had a lot of fun. I spent the first 4 of my 5 years in undergrad in a relationship that was wonderful in the beginning and ended up being more toxic for me in the end. It took me a long time to move on from this relationship and build a relationship with myself and find out who I really was. I mean, can you imagine dating someone from 18 years old to 21 and then trying to find out who you are as a young woman. I lost a lot of weight, I drank a lot to forget about the pain of him telling me he couldn’t love me anymore 2 days after we broke up. It took me about a month to finally bring myself to get the classic *rebound*, and from there I felt unstoppable. From that point I would go onto cutting my ex loose for awhile and only keeping him around because he finally admitted he messed up. That emotional security I got from him kept me hopeful. Little did I know, I was hurting myself and causing pain and damage to him.
Graduated from OSU, and finally found a great job working as a preschool teacher for kids with Autism, I thought I was ready to take on the world. Good job, educated, single, my own apartment, what else could a girl ask for. I was unaware though how much love I forgot to give myself daily and how I was seeking validation from others. It wasn’t until November 17,2014, that day is still as sour as ever. You don’t ever imagine yourself living in a horror story where you are the main character. On that day, I was raped. I remember calling a friend immediately after asking her, “what do I do?” Shaking, crying and confused. How could this have happened to me. She told me to go to the hospital, to call my parents, but I was in so much shock that I could not do any of that. I went home removed my clothes and sat in the shower until the water ran cold. I forced myself out of bed in the morning to go to work. Here I was, broken, defeated and at work. I will never forget the co-worker a friend that knew me so well, she knew I wasn’t okay. She knew and sat with me until I was ready to tell her. My boss sent me to my mom who worked nearby. Police reports, hospital rape kit, and a lot of questioning.
2 years later, here I am. Out of therapy, graduated with my Masters Degree,and doing well, but one thing I still struggle with is loving myself and knowing the love I am worthy of receiving. I have dated since my assault; men who have abused me verbally and physically, men who have lied to me and men who have told me everything I have wanted to hear and some who just simply have every excuse in the book for all of their actions. I haven’t had a substantial relationship since my assault. I could not figure out what I did to deserve that. I’ve also had guys try to date me, that are great men and have the world to offer me and I find some reason it won’t work, or why I’m not lovable. None of these things are fair to me.
So here I am, my blog is to keep me accountable to love myself and be kind to myself. I am on a journey to true self love. Being single is not the worse thing the world, my goal is to make this the most beautiful thing in the world. So here goes, 365 days of dating myself!